I want everyone to have access to everything that ever helped me heal. That’s why I’m here. I want everyone to have their moment of silence without all the idyllic white washing we have to perform for the public. The moment of silence that brings them to a core truth or core resting place where some entropy is necessary. I have written many things about my life across many channels and the thing that shocks most people is I have watched thirteen family members die. I lost both my brother, dad and childhood home by thirty-six. I moved twenty times, including across the country twice. I ran head first into a cement mixer when I was drunk. I spent eight years heavily drunk. Got rear ended by a guy going fifty five while I was dead stopped when sober. Survived the pandemic while being handed stressor after stressor including a lease termination three months into grieving my dad.. Changed jobs like clockwork. Watched friends and clients die too and changed. All the while changed, changed, changed. Panicked, but changed.

Put a stop to harmful things to pick up new harmful habits. Found better habits. Found more addiction. Found solution to addiction and changed. Ad infinitum.

This chaotic carousel created anxiety and stress, manifesting as a constant stasis of nervousness and volatility. This transferred into not just panic attacks, but a feeling of dread. The general malaise of winter. Physical ailments surrounding my stomach and bladder. Food issues. Obsessively sticking my face into a sun lamp. Too much caffeine. Obsessively stimming with straws til my hand hurts. Counting vitamins. Sighing.Walking the block endlessly.
T r y i n g so hard to have patience and peace with myself. I don’t take advice from folks who never walked across coals about how to handle the heat. I never ask anyone who wasn’t once poor how to make money.

I have been seeking solace my whole life. The only true solace I receive has always been sleep. When I get it, it is filled with lucid or vivid dreams. And foretelling. I don’t rest much during the day. I need a full eight hours.

It started with chamomile. Well, it started with studying herbalism for a year after deciding I didn’t want to pursue my Master’s of Social Work afterall. Another incredibly trying time was being a mental health case manager for four years and trying to go to grad school. Helping thirty-three people through crisis regularly will knock the literal wind out of you. So, it started with taking care of myself and leaving that industry. Moreover, learning about chamomile and how to make infusions. Chamomile is the first herb I played around with: making tincture, infusion, and skin balm. The sedative and nervine effects are manageable and gentle and it is the herb I recommend first. Felt a sense of calm come over me. Began to fall asleep faster. I moved less and less and became content with sitting still. It wasn’t a miracle herb by any means but a slow building one. I used it more and more. A cup of hot chamomile became an evening ritual. Then I moved to valerian which gave me such intense dreams and such deep sleep. (Forgot to mention I suffered from insomnia for about four years). I felt a bit groggy in the morning but was able to tamper with that dose to find a better solution. Waking up became easier and my night was restful. Valerian also showed me my creativity through an active brain at night. My dreams were patently premonitory. Often what I wrote down would happen that same day or shortly thereafter. It felt like each herb was building on where the other left off and taking me deeper into a recess of mind that was allowing me to access deep knowledge. And I’ll devote another blog to my dreams about my dead dad and brother.

Then I used the whole apothecary: marshmallow, slippery elm, St. John’s wort, lemon balm, holy basil and wormwood to calm myself and aid my stomach; a budding problem starting from years of too much acid including coffee. I started using jasmine and geranium oil to set flowered boundaries. Lots of ylang ylang, black tourmaline, cayenne pepper, charcoal salt, smoky quartz, sigil and mugwort. Oh, mugwort. My favorite of favs. Connector to gods and thinner of veils. Mugwort and my intro to divining deserves an entire second blog as well. But I became more calm. There were periods of panic that I shared on my website, but I found solutions. Breathwork. Learned how to manage my day. And I am humble nenough to admit I still need work, but I found aids. I took baths nightly. I sprinkled my oil, lit my candles, lined the tub with stones and sipped my chamomile, my nettle mix, my mugwort tincture. Immersed myself in salt, votive, and prayer. I spent an entire winter in the bath once just to feel my body sit.

I resent the notion that people don’t change. People need change and they do change. They thrive in it. But they need slow incremental changes. We have forgotten the word slow. We judge things based on output–have they received an accolade for their accomplishments? No? Then they didn’t really try or succeed did they? Did it happen in this short year or this short lifetime? Can we touch the new and different body? Change isn’t palpable or measurable all the time. It’s invisible. It spans decades and generations. We change with the help of others cheering us on, feedback from the community, guidance and aides. Optimism. Tools. I hope to help bring all of that—from tinctures to tarot— to folks struggling with all things that stem from anxiety and trauma. Research has proven that those with childhood trauma are more than 50% likely to develop a sleep disorder, and if someone is able to sleep after a traumatic event, they are more likely to recover faster. “Compared to adults with few or no ACEs, adults with a significant amount of childhood trauma are more than twice as likely to have trouble falling asleep and are also twice as likely to feel tired after a full night’s sleep. The effects of ACEs on sleep can last for up to 50 years, with each ACE experienced in childhood increasing the risk of not getting enough sleep as an adult by 20.”

Insomnia, interrupted sleep, fidgeting, nervousness, digestion issues and a general feeling of tension and muscle aches are all hurdles to quietude and the amity we so desperately deserve to give ourselves. We deserve rest. We deserve a pain free life. We have all experienced so much in this short life. We survived the pandemic. We survived so many wars, death and political upheaval. I also hope to connect people to their dreams, premonitions and to the spirit world if they so desire. This apothecary’s main focus is helping to regulate a dysregulated system, as well as expand connection to the liminal and beyond. I recommend chamomile to start. Then lemon balm and marshmallow. Then mugwort.

Work with various herbs to find which one works hardest for you. Godspeed, and I am here if you need me.